Awhile back I came across a YouTube video of a young man discussing his regret to have climbed Mt. Everest. He talked about how he would grind for days on end, all at the expense of his relationships and a balance with other things in life.
The video resonated a lot with me, mostly because it reminded me of me. For years, and I mean years, I sacrificed outings with friends, get-togethers with family, a catch-up phone call, etc., all because I wanted to get ahead; not so much of the rat race against others, but really due to a pathological race with myself.
Starting at a young age, my dad instilled in myself and my brothers the idea of do not do something unless you’re ready to give it your all and do it to perfection. This ideal is not necessarily bad, but it can wreak havoc on a kids’ subjective sense of accomplishment, because it’s impossible to know just how much is enough. It breeds a sort of asymptotic perfectionism, where one only ever approaches an ideal, but never reaches it, and so is never satisfied with the intermediate victories along the way.
The truth is unfortunate, in that I do think it requires this type of mentality in order to reach a high degree of competence in a field. That’s why it’s a catch-22, because without this internal motivation factory of perfection, one would likely never reach vistas once thought impossible to reach. But it’s this same behavior that cuts lives short. Not just through suicide in some cases, but also through bad health from working oneself to death, scarred relationships and all of the baggage and heartache that falls out of all of those consequences, and in cases like our young friend, which involve real bodily harm and risk, it can be deadly, as the slopes of Everest riddled with bodies can attest to.
I can’t say that I would prefer it be any different, it becomes addicting to compete against yourself; it’s a switch nearly impossible to turn off. And it’s definitely not one I wish to pass on to my kids. I do want them to be competitive with themselves, and to hold themselves to a high standard. But I don’t want it to reach pathological levels where a failed accomplishment impedes progress in life and relationships, and where they’re not slaves to a once high regarded ambition. I want them to be dynamic in their adjustments, and less critical when they fail or change gears.
In other words, balance is the key. And that’s difficult to rewire in a middle-aged mind like mine. But I do believe it’s possible. And ironically, having more responsibility with kids has made it easier to do so.
Part of this balance is to be able to say no to things that don’t align with your values and goals. It’s important to be able to prioritize and focus on what’s truly important to you, rather than getting caught up in meeting some societal norm. Recently, I considered returning to school for my masters degree. I’m not sure why either. I think part of it was the enticing low cost and novel entry requirements of this particular program. But if I’m being honest with myself, I think it was more about the inability to turn off my previous long-term goal mentality that had consumed my life and nearly destroyed my health.
Perhaps one day I’ll revisit the masters degree, but for now, I think I’m in a good spot. I have a good job. I’m enjoying the extra time with my wife and kids due to the worklife balance it permits. I’m able to better address long abandoned health issues. I’m really loving the ability to be flexible in what I learn next and how deep or broad I wish to engage with something I’m learning. And my next goal is to eat better and lose some weight. I’ve decided I don’t want to disrupt this nice intermediate resting place I’ve found to stop and take a breath after a difficult long-term goal was recently accomplished. I’ve decided to turn some of the grind off, reassess this goal, and ask myself, “is this what you really want?”, to which the answer was a resounding “no”.